75 WAYS TO ANNOY TWILIGHT CHARACTERS
by ColorLikeWhoa
Summary: I apologize if this story offends anyone. I personally don't see the appeal in Twilight, and this story started off just to make fun of it. I was in middle school, so most of the earlier ones are dumb, but I hope to write more intellectual ones in the future. Thanks for putting up with me, Twilight fandom.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: ****(rewritten as of 6/1/13: I'm revamping this story and god, I was such a loser back then.)**

* * *

><p><strong>1. Call Edward a sparkly pixie.<strong>

"Hey. Hey Edward. Hey. Edward. Hey-"

"What?" Edward replied irritably.

I dropped my wide grin.

"I know what you are," I proclaimed solemnly. "A pixie."

"What?" He stared at me in disbelief.

"Don't deny it! You're pale," I listed, "you sparkle, you poop glitter-"

"I don't poop-"

"DON'T INTERUPT! Now, if I could just find out how you hide your wings…"

* * *

><p><strong>2. Ask Edward if he pukes glitter.<strong>

"EDWARD!" I hollered.

"I'm right next to you!" he snapped.

I grinned. "Do you…" I dramatically paused.

"Yes?"

"Do you…"

"What?"

"Puke-"

He sighed. "Vampires can't vomit-"

I cut him off. "DO YOU PUKE GLITTER?" I screamed in his ear.

Then, I ran.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: (rewritten as of 6/1/13)**

* * *

><p><strong>3. Tell Edward his socks are untied. Laugh.<strong>

I was walking past said vampire in the street, and screamed, "EDDIE!"

He flinched. "Did you just call me-"

"Never mind that, Ed. I have some important news for you."

"What?"

"Do you wanna know? Do you really wanna know?"

He groaned in reply.

"You socks are untied."

He looked down, and I smirked.

"Tricked ya!" I giggled and walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>4. Call Edward a traitor to Harry Potter.<strong>

One fine, rainy afternoon, I burst into the Cullen's place as Edward and Jacob were having their daily tennis game on the Wii.

"You traitors!" I screamed in their faces.

"What did I do now?" Edward asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"Probably something stupid." Jacob swung the Wii remote, almost hitting me in the face.

I ignored that. "Cedric," I said in a tortured voice. "Why'd you have to leave Harry Potter and die?"

"My name's not Cedric!" Eddie paused the game.

"Yes it is! Cedric Diggory! But then you died in the last task-"

"What task?"

"-and turned into a sparkly pixie!"

Edward groaned. "Again with the sparkly pixie! Listen, kid; I am not Cedric Diggory!"

I glared at him. "This is why you were in Hufflepuff, traitor."

"Hufflepuff?" Jacob snorted.

"She's delusional!" Edward protested.

"Whatever you say, Cedric." I smiled evilly and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: (**rewritten as of 6/1/13)****

* * *

><p><strong>4. Give Bella the suicide hotline number.<strong>

In class one day, I wrote a number on a pie shaped post-it.

"Here," I whispered to Mike. "Pass it to Bella!"

Five minutes later, Bella approached me.

"What's this for? 1-800-SUICIDE?" she demanded.

I smiled innocently. "It's the suicide hotline. You know, just in case you decide to jump off another cliff."

She stamped her foot. "I'm not suicidal!"

"Yeah, and I've never married a slice of pie."

"Oh yeah? Well- Wait, what?"

"That's right, just walk away! Go on!" I waved my hands, shooing her away.

She pouted and then stormed off.

* * *

><p><strong>5. Call Bella a whiny albino freak. <strong>

After yet another morning of hearing Bella whine about the snow, I couldn't take it anymore.

I threw a snowball at her.

"Hey!" She yelped as it hit her on the head.

"Direct hit!" I whispered and then ran up to her. "Sorry. Looked like you needed some cheering up." I crouched down and picked up some snow, squeezing it with my gloves until it was round. "Here," I offered it to her. "You can hit me back!"

She wrinkled her nose up at it. "Eww."

I dropped the snowball, muttering, "Whiny albino freak."

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"You're excused." I smiled innocently.

"I don't whine! It's not my fault that Forks is always rainy and snowy and icky and wet," she complained. "And I'm not albino!"

"Just five minutes ago you looked invisible against the snow. But..." I dropped my grin. "I guess calling you an albino freak is wrong." I hung my head.

She smiled victoriously.

"Because that would be an insult to albinos! And freaks.." I beamed at her.

"Arrg! Why do I even talk to you?" She walked away.

"Better people than you have asked that question!" I called after her.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: (**rewritten as of 6/1/13)****

* * *

><p><strong>6. Trick or Treat<strong>

I slipped the white bed sheet over my head, making sure I could see out of the two holes I'd cut. Grinning wickedly, I ran across the sidewalk and up to the Blacks' house.

I knocked on the door three times. "Jacob." Knock, knock, knock. "Jacob." Knock, knock, knock. "Jacob."

He opened the door. "Have you been watching Big Bang Theory reruns again?"

Then he noticed my outfit.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" I screamed and held up my plastic pumpkin expectantly.

"…Dude, it's May."

I reached into my pumpkin bag and took out my phone. "You know what this is?"

"No."

"An amazing cover of E.T. by Katy Perry, sung by the one and only Jacob Black."

"What? I never sang that- Wait, I WAS IN THE SHOWER! You invaded my man-space!"

"If you don't want me to show this Bella and the rest of the Cullens…"

"You're blackmailing me? For what, candy?"

I held up another white sheet.

* * *

><p>Jacob and I stood in front of Bella's house two hours later, donned in our costumes.<p>

I nodded at him. "Go."

He groaned and knocked on the door. "Bella." Knock, knock, knock. "Bella." Knock, knock, knock. "Bella."

She opened the door to two ghosts with matching pumpkin bags.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" I yelled, while Jacob muttered, "Trick or treat, whatever."

"Jacob?" She squinted at him.

"I was blackma-" I elbowed him. "I mean, I was just getting into the spirit of Halloween!" He chuckled weakly.

"You know its May, right?"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: (****rewritten as of 6/1/13)**

**I believe some thanks are in order:**

I kk

Natz29

lovehorse13

DragonBby

edwardandtaylorgrl

Annumnom5tr

CharkO

The-Daughter-of-Rome

myviolaismylife27

CookiedMonster

Gloo1997

CrimsonDeep

meocoi206

WhiteWolfakaShadow

powerpuffteentitangleek

IzzybelleDP7

KazeLylianPotter

**Thank you all so much for reviewing my story, you have no idea how much I ****appreciate you.**

* * *

><p><strong>7. Convince Charlie Bella's joined a cult.<strong>

I smoothed my fluffy satin dress, adjusted the pink bow in my hair, and then rang the doorbell.

Charlie opened the door, a smile bursting on his face when he saw me.

"Good morning, Mr. Swan!"

He chuckled. "Hey, kid! You can call me Charlie, I told you that before."

"Charlie." I giggled. "May I come in?"

"Sure, sure!"

I stepped in, remembering to wipe my feet on the mat first.

He led me to the tiny kitchen table, where I could see the remnants of his lunch, a sandwich and Coke.

"Would you like something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Juice?"

"Juice, please!" I smiled again and sat down.

Kicking my feet back and forth, I stared idly around the room. "So, Mr. S, what's up?"

Charlie set a glass of apple juice in front of me. "Not much. Job's still great."

"How about Bella?"

Charlie shrugged. "Bella's fine," he said gruffly. "Still got her boyfriend, Edmund."

"Edward. Though I've heard he likes being called Eddie…"

He raised his eyebrows but didn't comment.

"Yeah… the Cullens." I shook my head slowly, slipping a disappointed look on my face.

"What?"

"You haven't heard?" I asked innocently.

"No…."

I dropped my voice to a stage whisper. "You know how the Cullens are all adopted, right?"

"Yeah. Dr. Cullen's a good man," he said, still confused.

"Well," I continued, "_I _heard that the Cullen's are a- a-" I broke off. "I'm sorry. Gossiping is mean."

Charlie patted my shoulder. "I'm sure it's okay to tell me just this once."

I could tell he was just bursting with excitement.

"Okay." I picked at the edge of my dress, acting guilty. "A cult," I mumbled.

"A _what?_" Charlie looked appalled.

"My friend's uncle's sister's daughter's friend told her that the Cullens are this really creepy cult, and Bella's next." I looked up at Charlie, eyes wide. "What does 'initiation' mean?"

Charlie stared at me for a second, and then bolted up, his chair falling with a thud. "Gotta go." He grabbed his jacket. "Thanks for coming; you can let yourself out, right? Right. See you!" With that, he ran out the door.

I grinned and put my legs up on the table, leisurely drinking a sip of my apple juice. "The innocent girly look worked perfectly!" I said to myself. Then, I got up, took the bow out of my head, and threw it in the trash. "But I still I hate pink."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: (**rewritten as of 6/1/13)****

* * *

><p><strong>8. Annoy Alice by taking advantage of her powers<strong>

"Hey Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"…Can you tell me how Lost ends?"

"…"

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Ple-"

"Why don't you just watch the ending? It's already done, you know."

"Excuses! You're just jealous."

"Of what?"

"The fact that I have Netflix, and you don't."

"Can I kill you?"

"Nope! That would destroy the fabric of time and space; you've seen that, right?"

"I hate you."

* * *

><p><strong>9. Annoy Edward by taking advantage of his powers<strong>

I hid behind some lockers as Edward walked to Biology class, innocent and unknowing.

"I can hear your thoughts, kid," he called out.

"Drats!" Thwarted again. Suddenly, my face broke out into a grin. I had the best idea ever…

Edward stopped in his tracks and turned back to me. "No way… You wouldn't!" His face looked pained (well, more pained than usual).

I took a deep mental breath and thought as loud as I could-

_I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME!_

"Nooooo!" Edward clutched his head. "Make it go away!"

Students in the halls were starting to stare. I kept singing in my head.

_WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!_

Edward dropped to the floor, protesting weakly.

_WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU, WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO?_

By now, there was a crowd of spectators huddled around the fallen Edward, who was in the fetal position and pitifully muttering to himself.

I knew all those years of watching Barney would pay off someday.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry, I know it's been a while since I've updated. Sozlol?**

* * *

><p><strong>10. Lock Edward and Jacob in a school closet.<strong>

"Well… this is awkward."

"Yeah."

"Yup... Can't you just break through the door?" Desperation colors Jacob's voice.

Edward leans back on the janitorial supplies, trying to distance himself from Jacob as much as possible, which is hard in a four foot area. "No, it's a school door. They'd get suspicious."

Jacob snorts and sits down on some cardboard boxes. "She really thought of everything, didn't she?"

"Yeah…"

"So…"

"So?"

"Wanna arm wrestle?"

Edward stares long and hard at Jacob, saying nothing at this absurd request.

* * *

><p>Five minutes later…<p>

* * *

><p>Throughout the hallway, yells, moans and groans echo across, causing students to stop and flinch at times.<p>

"I WIN!" Edward finally yells, throwing his hands in victory.

Unfortunately, he'd forgotten where he is, and hears a sickening crunch near his upheld arm.

"OW! Dude, watch it!" Jacob readjusts his bleeding nose, grimacing.

"Sorry!"

Just then, the door swings open in front of them.

"Freedom!" Jacob screams.

They race out, once again forgetting their surroundings and ending up tripping over each other on the way out.

They stumble and fall, their arms and legs tangled together, and look up to see a crowd that had apparently gathered around them. Cameras flash as students giggle and exclaim, "They just came out of the closet!"

"…I hate that kid," Edward mutters, while Jacob blushes redder than a tomato.


End file.
